Life Keeps Score and FYI, not everyone gets a trophy...

My oldest by a minute was working with his mother on a first grade project the other evening that for a week allows him to be the "Superstar" of his classroom.  Pretty heady stuff when you're not quite 7 but also very telling when you're a parent listening to your child describe who they think they are.

"Post your picture and tell us your favorite, food/color/fun thing to do and please share with us 3 supercool facts about you that we don't already know, etc."  In my mind I had all of these blanks filled in for him and he started down that track but then he did something incredibly honest and at my wife's encouragement, he told us who he really is.

When's the last time you tried that, the being completely honest part, without fear of recrimination or negative judgement of some sort?  Wow, right?!

Turns out one of the earth shattering things I learned is that he doesn't consider himself an athlete because he really doesn't like win/lose games even though he admits he thinks he's "pretty fast".  T-ball...the league didn't keep score and everyone played.  Soccer...nope, no goal keepers and no scores kept by this league either.  Cross Country?  Bunch a kids running for the finish line but everyone's a winner for having participated with a ribbon to prove it.  Is it really that he doesn't like competition?  I'll go with yes and explain. 

Winners are aggressive and have attitude.  They're always showing off how physically superior/educated/talented they are and drawing all sorts of attention. They aren't good sports and make others feel bad for losing. 

I'm not going to say that all of these statements are false but I'm going to put some spin on it because I think being aggressive can be a good trait and that a positive attitude is still an attitude.  I believe that giving others something to shoot for with respect to improving performance, physical or mental isn't necessarily a bad thing and that how you feel about losing has more to do with you than the person who won.

Weird that we stand out there with our coffees on Saturday morning cheering on every kid regardless of which side they're on in whichever seasonal, non-competitive activity yet all the kids on all the teams know who can hit and who can't; who scored goals and how many; and who the first kid across the finish line was, oh...and so do the parents. 

Why are we so afraid to admit that we do keep score and that winning really does feel better than losing?! Why are we teaching our children that competition is bad, and that winning isn't to be enjoyed unless everyone wins?  Me being as honest as a 6 year old?  Losing sucks and I don't care how many losers you surround yourself with.  If you've ever been part of a layoff or fired you know what I mean and no amount of "it wasn't my fault" will make you feel better or pay the mortgage.

How does promoting a "there's not one winner, we're all winners" mentality better the world they're going to inherit?  How will this set them up to succeed if there's no definition of what success is?  We should be teaching future generations how to win graciously and how to set and then exceed their own expectations so as to define success instead of how to be good losers.   Life isn't fair and fair isn't always equal but I assure you, regardless of the endeavor, someone is keeping score and your employer is one of them.

As for the ribbon he won for showing up?  It  meant so much that I found it later the next day on the backseat floor of the car..vinny

to Play or Not

My boys were super excited about going to their first Little League training clinic and unbeknownst to either my wife or me, they didn't separate the groups by age or skill levels.  After 45 minutes or so of throwing, catching, batting, etc., with kids who'd been playing much longer I saw my younger son, enthusiasm gone, standing and crying in a sea of young boys who were all running around him and tossing a ball.  When my wife reached him he said through his snuffles that this was all very 'confusing' and he just wanted to sit out.  

Sound or feel familiar? 

New interview/employment opportunity presents itself, you're all excited and then after matching skills and abilities with those who've been there longer or competing against those who seem to want it as much as you do (seriously hoping you made it more than 45 minutes) it seems crazy overwhelming, too challenging or too 'confusing' and you feel like you need a good cry. 

My wife and another mom tried comforting my son, encouraging him to get back in and play with the other boys but he wasn't having any of it and had decided to watch from the side.  I took my son a little ways away to talk and after a minute he went running back into the melee with the other boys and after a couple more minutes was laughing again.  My wife and the other mom wanted to know how I was able to get him to change his mind.

Confusion is scary and life can be intimidating at any age, but scary usually doesn't hurt and the world likely won't hug it out for you.  "Do you want to do this and, if so, how badly?  You can get back in the game, learn some new things, meet some new people and have some fun, or we can go sit in the car until it's over. Watching from the side isn't an option"...vinny

Don't just get through it, get into it!

I went to a birthday party recently for a 5 year old and it was at 2:30 in the afternoon at a bowling alley on a gorgeous sunny Sunday in August...in Seattle!  The wrongness of this appointment transcends so many levels, but surely if you've lived in Seattle for more than one summer you'll understand most of my angst.  I'd already made up my mind that we had a hard stop after an hour, even though the party was scheduled to last until 4:30.  In my head I had my "to-do" list (both personal and professional) and in order to hit those milestones and wring the last little bit of enjoyment out of my weekend (reiterating the sunny and warm part)...

Any of this sound familiar? 

I was so busy checking things off of my list that I'd inadvertently decided I wasn't going to enjoy spending time with other parents (who probably felt the same as I did) or get a couple of hours of enjoyment watching my kids having a good time with other kids.  I caught myself getting all spun-up on the drive to the bowling alley and quickly decided that for my part, that would be a suck way to spend two hours of my life.  With less difficulty than I  had imagined I committed to engaging with other parents, enjoying my wife and kids and PRESTO!, we were there for the duration, had a good time and were still able to do what I wanted afterward. 

Fast forward and now it's Monday.  I'm looking around and I see people scurrying around their offices looking as busy with their "lists" as I felt at the bowling alley the day before with mine. "Have to; Got to; must finish by EOD or else" are all lead-ins I heard throughout the day.  Curiously absent were, "Want to; Get to; can't wait to finish and show my client" etc.  It dawned on me that a lot of us are confusing activity with productivity.  As my wife will occasionally ask, "is your journey satisfying, or are you just arriving at your destination?"  Do you spend your energy rushing through your list of daily chores such that you feel tired but unsatisfied at the end of the day? Are you so focused on getting to the next thing on your list that you fail to appreciate the quality required of you and necessary for the task at hand?  Do you ever imagine that any of the world's great successes in business, art or science subscribed to that model? 

I know, a lot of questions.  At the risk of going all Zen with my suggestion, maybe take an extra moment to focus on doing well anything you're doing (month-end reports, job hunting, sales calls, code reviews, being a parent at a bowling-birthday-party-for-kids, etc) and hold yourself accountable.  I'm suggesting you really plug yourself into the equation.  Get completely into it as opposed to just getting through it and then, whether at work, play or some destination in between, occasionally ask yourself, " is this journey satisfying?"  vinny

Your degree is BS in what?

So you made the choice to spend a lot of money and commit years of your life toward getting a degree?  Good, now get your money's worth and be prepared to discuss and demonstrate some of the specifics of what you learned with the people interviewing you. That or prepare to be passed over.

Used to be not everyone had the time, money or inclination to go to college after completing high school and in those times just having a degree would elevate and set you apart from others competing for the same job. Things started changing in the 80's and then the 90's came with a huge push in all things technical and financial.  Industry screamed for a more educated talent pool, immigration caps were raised, government offered more student loans, schools started offering more degreed programs; all combining to create an economic landscape that today is bursting with new college grads and MBA's that are having a hard time finding jobs.  "Why is that?" you ask.

I submit that the difficulty for more than a few is because they're having a hard time explaining what they learned, why they learned it and more importantly, how both will positively impact their prospective employer.  Nobody cares if you were in the top 3% of your class if you can't answer a basic question in your chosen field of study, or worse, are offended by being asked a 101 question that you don't deem pertinent to the job.  (By the way, do expect to be asked how many were in the class and what criteria determined the percentages if you choose to go this route.)

If your degree is in education, computer science, accounting, or whatever, be prepared to have an intelligent, repeat, intelligent conversation about why you chose your field, what you learned that changed your life, and how making that choice can positively change other lives.  Can you talk about the theories of Freud and Jung, or what's really included in COGS so your month end reports are accurate?  Do you really believe Fibonacci is important and why would you use the big O notation in the analysis of an algorithm?

Almost anyone can obtain a degree today by paying tuition, showing up, passing the tests and meeting the minimum graduation qualifications; none of which is necessarily a guarantee of higher intelligence, just additional education.  Proof of education won't set you apart in today's job market, proof of intelligence will set you apart in any job market.

No degree?  I'll be talking about how to leap that hurdle in an upcoming post.

Feel free to follow me, use the 'share' toolbar below to send to a friend, recommend, comment and/or send me mail by going to www.otbcoaching.com...vinny

If you want to drive your career development you'll need to take the wheel...

Got the job, like the job, good at the job...NICE!  Now sit tight, don't do anything goofy and wait for your annual review.  Oh yeah, and hope it's good. 

Years I'm hearing and seeing people using exactly this "go along to get along" formula only to be grossly disappointed (or worse) once their reviews are done.

Does your boss have performance expectations of you and if so, do you know what they are?  Do you have any performance expectations of yourself and if so, does your boss know what they are?  Are you above, behind or on track to satisfy all of the above expectations (aka, objectives, milestones, goals, commitments) and once achieved where will that leave you in the pack?  Do you meet with her/him on a regular basis to track performance to date and determine what may have changed up or down and the commensurate impact these up's and down's will have on your career trajectory? 

These are just some of the questions you should have answers for to determine what your contribution is and how it will stack up against your contemporaries.

"My boss has canceled the last few 1:1's because of scheduling conflicts but if there was a problem I'd have heard about it."  Unacceptable is my reply to that.  You may be doing just enough to not be a pain point, wind up on a performance improvement plan or get fired but significantly less than those getting the top raises and promotions.  NEWS FLASH:  Your boss doesn't have the same personal investment in your career as you do, nor should s/he! This isn't about promoting paranoia, this is about taking control of your professional development and creating mutual, agreed-upon goals so that you can manage toward achieving and exceeding those goals.

In these uncertain times it's good to have a job, but are you guilty of being so busy trying to keep your job that you're not doing your job?  If so don't expect a great review...vinny

See me at www.otbcoaching.com if you want to talk

Connect the Dots

"What do you really want to do?", I'll ask my coaching clients, and the response is almost as pre-programmed as the "just looking" most of us mutter to a retail sales person when asked, "how are you?"  The usual reply is something along the lines of, "Well I'm really good at x, y and z."   Not what I asked but while we're on the subject, who told you that you are really good at x, y and z?  Yourself, your boss, your brother, your spouse?  Think on it and I'll come back to this in a bit.

Try asking a child (that hasn't yet succumbed to parental/societal pressure) what they want to do, and they'll likely have several answers in the time it takes you to blink.  "Go swimming, ride bikes, eat chocolate, play with dolls/dinosaurs, etc" are just some of the replies I've heard from kids.  Interestingly enough, they seem to do all of them well.  I believe it's because they pour their time and energy into doing them well so that they can enjoy them more!  Our self esteem likely started out as high before we learned to argue for our limitations and then started doing what we thought we were supposed to do. 

Before someone told you this is "what you do well" or "this is what you should do", what is it you enjoyed doing?  Was it reading books or doing research? Do you groove on helping others solve complicated problems?  Is it  math, music, building, breaking or growing things that motivates you?  Doesn't matter but I suggest creating a list to see what they are as a means of seeing who you are.

Now that we have a list of things we like to do let's get back to what you're good at doing; the list you already have in the front of your brain.  Have you figured out how you learned you were good at them?  Don't sweat it if you don't know, but can you draw lines between what you like and what you do well?  In this sense, can you connect the dots in such a way that you create a visual of how your next career move might look?  If not, I encourage you to give a more honest look at your two lists to see what you might add or subtract to help complete your picture.

I'll leave you with this to consider.  Are you really good at the x, y and z things on your list or did you simply out-perform others who cared less about them than you do?   Imagine taking the things you're really good at and re-purposing them for doing things that you truly enjoy so that you enjoy the time you spend doing them more...vinny

What will the people you worked with REALLY say about you?

"...it's all good and besides, my reason for termination wasn't performance-related, they even said so."  Or maybe this, "...they can't say anything bad about me because that's defamation.  All they can legally do is confirm my title and dates of employment."

Well, in my experience very rarely are things "all good" and that absolutely applies to employment reference checks.  As for the second statement,  depending on the laws of the state in which you are/were employed, your previous employer may safely be able to say anything about you that is true as long as it meets the following criteria:

• Job related
• Based upon credible evidence, and
• Made without malice

So it's completely realistic, again depending on state law,  to expect a former employer to say that a former employee "had a history of being late which negatively impacted the project", or that "they were verbally abusive to co-workers as documented in their employee file", or anything else that meets the above criteria.

While many companies, especially those with structured HR departments, will refrain from giving detailed reference checks opting instead for Employment Verification, that may not prevent Steve in Marketing (at your prospective employer) from calling his friend Janice in Marketing (at your former employer) to see what she "thinks" about you and if she knows why you're available.  Social Media/Networking is so pervasive it's only realistic to assume that people will leverage their social networks for professional purposes too.   

Now try answering my original question, "What will the PEOPLE you worked with REALLY say about you?" Don't know or don't like but want to change, see me at www.otbcoaching.com and we can talk.

BTW and just so you know, people in HR usually don't even bring up the phrase "performance-related" unless on some level it was...vinny